Alright Impy...I'll have a go. Read my fortune.

Okey dokey, smokie! For you, I'll try the ancient practice of phrenology...reading the bumps on your head. First off, take the do-rag out of your hair. Now relax while I run my fingers over your head, tracing the indentations on your scalp. Girl, you need to wash your hair more often. You have more grease here than a cheap diner. And dandruff...lovely. Uh, oh. Somebody has split ends. There's an indentation on the back lefty lobe, which regulates sense of color. Obviously yours is out of whack because no one with any color sense would choose this hair color you have going on. It just needs some manipulation. *Flicks Fabu Feline on the back of the head* Settle down...this is for your own good! You don't want to continue to have bad fortune, do you?? There's a bump on your temporal lobe, which regulates attention. Are you paying attention to me? *Whacks Fabu Feline on the forehead* Moving on...hey, let go of my arm. Stop pulling my hair! Don't even think of punching me in the face. Oh, you bitch! If you're going to get all fussy, your session is over. Take this fortune cookie and leave! Do not follow the instructions of this fortune. Lucky numbers 35, 46, 9, 31, 33, 50

OH IT'S AWWWWWWN YOU FAKE BIATCH! :evil:

OK, Bit, have a seat and I'll see what I can do. *Rummages around in trunk* Aha! The Magic 8 Ball never lies! I'll use it to predict your future. Oh, Magic 8 Ball, reveal what is in store for Bitthehandthatfeedsher...uh, Bitramadolcheap... "That's bi-tun-or-a-sep-i-dall, you KMart-shopping, half-wit gypsy!" Yeah, what what's-her-face said. Will Bit have a new love in her life? *Shakes 8 ball vigorously and then turns it upside down to read it* The answer is...$1.98. Oops, that's the price tag. Forgot I had to buy a new Magic 8 Ball in the last town. *removes sticker* Let's try this again. Will Bit have good fortune with money? *Shakes the Magic 8 Ball* The answer is...Sorry, ask again later. *Getting annoyed* Ok, try it one more time. Will Bit change occupations in the next six months? *Shakes the 8 Ball but loses her grip on it, sending it crashing through her crystal ball, breaking both* Oh, crap. Not again! I've got to clean up this mess. Take a fortune cookie and watch your step as you leave my tent. You never know who you touch. Lucky numbers 22, 1, 34, 48, 2, 13

Since it seems to be the "in" thing...I'll go a round. Tell my fortune. (Note...Dark Lords don't have to say "please".)

Very well. It's a clear night so I will read the stars to tell your future. *Sets up telescope outside her tent* Looking through the glass, I clearly see...the lens cap. Shoot, I always forget to remove that! *Takes lens cap off* Now I see...heh, heh! A husband who may have an angry wife on his hands if she finds out he's sleeping with the town florist. I knew that girl was a tramp. Imagine, doing it with a customer in the back of her delivery van in plain sight of anyone with a telescope... That's not telling your fortune, though, so I'll direct the scope at the sky and do your reading. *Adjusts lens* Ah, yes! Jupiter is in Virgo and your house is rising which means...let me consult my Dummies Guide to Stargazing...there will be two more months of winter. That can't be right. Did I grab the wrong book? *Checks the cover* Oops. That book and the Farmer's Almanac have nearly the same cover. I get them confused all the time. Hold on a minute...I'll find it. *Looks through books, muttering titles* "100 Recipes for Chicken 'N Stars Soup", "Dancing With the Stars: The First Season", "Star Magazine". Ah, well, without a guide to interpret my observations, I can't do a reading. Take a fortune cookie. I'll whip us up a Chicken 'N Stars Cheesy Potato Chip Casserole to have for dinner and we can gaze at the stars and take turns watching the slutty florist entertain her customers. A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard. Lucky numbers: 3, 17, 56, 19, 40

Sorry, for not getting back to you sooner, Grimmace. Yesterday was a Survivor marathon in the spirit world so none of them were responding to me. Come on in and I'll tell your fortune. We'll try palmistry this time. Give me your right hand. No, your other right. That is your right hand? Oh, that's right, since I'm facing you it's on my left but on your right. heh,heh! In that case, give me your left hand. It doesn't matter which one I read, I just need the one closest to me. *takes Grimmace's hand with both her hands and inspects it* Goodness! What dishwater hands you have! Cracked fingernails, hangnails, yellowed nailbeds...tsk, tsk. Remind me at the end of our session and I'll give you a coupon for a free manicure. If ever anyone needed one, you do. Back to your reading... The line extending from beween your thumb and pointer finger to the center of your palm is the power line. It tells me you will forget to pay your utility bill next month and as a result will miss the first episode of the new season of American Idol. The line cutting across the top of the power line is the bikini line. Yours is smooth and clean so you apparently have gotten a bikini wax recently. You will have a date with an Eskimo and can expect to get lucky. The next most important line is the fishing line. Located above the bikini line, it tells how prone you are to lying. You have a long, thick fishing line so you've told some whoppers in your time. You bad, bad boy. The last important line is the one next to it--the finishing line. Judging from your line, and the expression on your face, you're unhappy with your reading and want to leave. *sigh* I see that look a lot. Take a fortune cookie and your coupon for a manicure and leave. I'm closing up my tent and getting out of here. Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery. Lucky numbers: 6, 13, 19, 33, 34, 43

Oh, don't leave yet! Don't you have time for one more? :yes:

Oh, all right. One more. Madame Implosion does not desert the spiritually needy. I'll try automatic writing to tell your future. I have to get in mental contact with a spirit guide and they will tell me what to write. Already I'm feeling compelled to write something. *Scribbles on a notepad* Milk...eggs...bread...toilet paper...Oh, that's my grocery list. I've got to remember to get to the store tonight. I particularly can't go another day without that last item on my list. :redblush: OK, I'm in contact with a spirit. *Starts to write quickly* Britney...underwear...ewwww. Oh, I know what that's referring to! Britney Spears and her trampy friends have been seen getting out of cars with their private parts splayed out for all to see. I read all about it in the scandal magazines. Now some people don't think it's really them in the pictures taken but I don't know.... Well, that isn't telling us the future. That's old news. Can we skip past the gossip to recent news, spirit? *More writing, scrawled out messier* 4th of May....lobster...keeps going and going...blister...red shirt...gum on shoe I think they're trying to tell us something. You'll have a lobster dinner on the 4th of May and will be in a marathon where you'll get a blister and step in gum. That's the best I can make out. Sheesh, why can't spirits talk in full sentences? It can't be that busy in the spirit world. They're dead so they have all the time they want on their hands. Maybe it's only the stupid spirits that get to communicate with us. They're too dumb to find their way to the afterworld so they're stuck working the AT&T switchboards in spiritland. Thank you for coming to me for assistance, kayla. I hope I was able to help. Please join me for lunch. There's a lovely Chinese buffet nearby. I need to get more fortune cookies anyway. :mrgreen:

I have been summoned back because the spirit world has a message for Mortricia... Avoid making executive decisions at night while simultaneously watching The Amazing Race and playing games at Pogo. It will only lead to disaster!! The spirits have spoken!!! Now shut up, spirits, so I can watch my soaps in peace. :tongue:

Sure, I'll stick around as long as I'm getting some...pm's that is. :mrgreen: